I stopped turning older a couple of years ago.
People would then occasionally ask me how old I am,
confident that I wouldn't be offended.
Somehow, I never believed I grew older since.
I mean, I knew,
but I'd always have to calculate quick
when someone asked.
Until a few days ago
when I realised
that most of the young talent
is now younger than me.
30 July 2010
29 July 2010
getting up
A computer pretending to be rooster
tries to wake me up each morning.
It starts crowing at 7.30 am
hoping that I'll get up.
I press a button and send it away
for just another five minutes
every five minutes
until I'm ready to move.
Today it was an hour and a half
of me not really dreaming
but not quite awake
before I finally got out of bed.
An hour and a half in which
I could have been
at the gym, tidying up,
making sure I got to the office
at the time I said I would,
reading, catching up on work,
making breakfast and coffee,
or sleeping.
tries to wake me up each morning.
It starts crowing at 7.30 am
hoping that I'll get up.
I press a button and send it away
for just another five minutes
every five minutes
until I'm ready to move.
Today it was an hour and a half
of me not really dreaming
but not quite awake
before I finally got out of bed.
An hour and a half in which
I could have been
at the gym, tidying up,
making sure I got to the office
at the time I said I would,
reading, catching up on work,
making breakfast and coffee,
or sleeping.
28 July 2010
mothertongue
My grandmother turned 75 today.
And just before lunch, the house filled up.
Cars full of brothers and sisters
and their wives and husbands
stopped outside her door
and emptied into the living room.
They distributed news of
children and grandchildren
all the while thinking
of something completely different
of medicines in cabinets
waiting to be taken
of drivers who needed lunch
of taps and switches and gas stoves,
all of which needed to be turned off tight.
They posed for the camera,
broke into groups
drank, ate and ate some more
sang and cut cake
(which was not non-chocolate
but appreciated nonetheless)
and talked.
They spoke to each other
in a language that belongs across the border
with a culture they left behind over 60 years ago
that's now almost forgotten
if millennium versions of songs from the 80s
are anything to go by.
They talked and talked some more.
until it was time for tea,
which actually meant it was time to leave.
And then got back into cars,
ready for the 4-hour journey home.
Hours later their voices
still rang in my mind.
The chatter of aunts and uncles
speaking in a language
that feels familiar enough
for me believe that I can almost follow.
And just before lunch, the house filled up.
Cars full of brothers and sisters
and their wives and husbands
stopped outside her door
and emptied into the living room.
They distributed news of
children and grandchildren
all the while thinking
of something completely different
of medicines in cabinets
waiting to be taken
of drivers who needed lunch
of taps and switches and gas stoves,
all of which needed to be turned off tight.
They posed for the camera,
broke into groups
drank, ate and ate some more
sang and cut cake
(which was not non-chocolate
but appreciated nonetheless)
and talked.
They spoke to each other
in a language that belongs across the border
with a culture they left behind over 60 years ago
that's now almost forgotten
if millennium versions of songs from the 80s
are anything to go by.
They talked and talked some more.
until it was time for tea,
which actually meant it was time to leave.
And then got back into cars,
ready for the 4-hour journey home.
Hours later their voices
still rang in my mind.
The chatter of aunts and uncles
speaking in a language
that feels familiar enough
for me believe that I can almost follow.
26 July 2010
job seekers
I'm re-writing what I've done.
For the 20th time in two days.
It should have been straightforward.
but exaggerating the importance of my career
- when I haven't had many jobs
or worked for a long period of time -
is tough.
I wonder if anyone'll bother to read through
what I've spent hours editing.
And whether I should change the format.
I've never spent this much time
over anything I've written before.
My friends think it's ok.
Or maybe they're just bored
of me asking them all the time whether it's ok.
I wonder if they know
that when they said, "we'd hire you"
I might take them up on the offer.
For the 20th time in two days.
It should have been straightforward.
but exaggerating the importance of my career
- when I haven't had many jobs
or worked for a long period of time -
is tough.
I wonder if anyone'll bother to read through
what I've spent hours editing.
And whether I should change the format.
I've never spent this much time
over anything I've written before.
My friends think it's ok.
Or maybe they're just bored
of me asking them all the time whether it's ok.
I wonder if they know
that when they said, "we'd hire you"
I might take them up on the offer.
break down
My car stopped.
Well, not really.
There was a loud snap
and I couldn't move my clutch anymore.
The car was still moving.
But slowly.
I pulled over and got out.
Only this wasn't on a public road.
I was turning into the basement parking
of an IT company.
And then there were guards
and security measures
and registers
and phone calls.
I tried not to tap my fingers on the counter
or pretend like I had better places to be at
and more important work to do.
Then they pushed the car
with me in it.
Not complaining about the constant drizzle.
And helped me park
In a place accessible
but out of the way.
I swiped in
and went upstairs
and pretended to work
Well, not really.
There was a loud snap
and I couldn't move my clutch anymore.
The car was still moving.
But slowly.
I pulled over and got out.
Only this wasn't on a public road.
I was turning into the basement parking
of an IT company.
And then there were guards
and security measures
and registers
and phone calls.
I tried not to tap my fingers on the counter
or pretend like I had better places to be at
and more important work to do.
Then they pushed the car
with me in it.
Not complaining about the constant drizzle.
And helped me park
In a place accessible
but out of the way.
I swiped in
and went upstairs
and pretended to work
25 July 2010
the case
"What's in the case?" they asked.
The case is big.
Almost as big as me.
But I'm not that tall.
My friends know what's in there.
"I think you could fit inside,"
they joked.
"We'll zip you up and check you in.
You're too heavy for carry on baggage."
On a train, 2nd class and unreserved.
I stood
holding the case close to me.
We jerked together, the case and I.
And I'd hold on tighter with one hand
The other stretched out, grasping desperately,
clutching on to anything it found.
"What's in the case?" they asked.
Women in bright green and purple saris
huddled together
With children on their laps
and some above them
on a rack where their luggage should have been.
I had to explain then.
What was in the case.
Now it's different.
They've all seen Kaminey.
"Is it a guitar or a gun?"
they ask.
The case is big.
Almost as big as me.
But I'm not that tall.
My friends know what's in there.
"I think you could fit inside,"
they joked.
"We'll zip you up and check you in.
You're too heavy for carry on baggage."
On a train, 2nd class and unreserved.
I stood
holding the case close to me.
We jerked together, the case and I.
And I'd hold on tighter with one hand
The other stretched out, grasping desperately,
clutching on to anything it found.
"What's in the case?" they asked.
Women in bright green and purple saris
huddled together
With children on their laps
and some above them
on a rack where their luggage should have been.
I had to explain then.
What was in the case.
Now it's different.
They've all seen Kaminey.
"Is it a guitar or a gun?"
they ask.
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